RWBY Wars: A Parody in Space
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: It's RWBY in Star Wars. What more do you need? Current screening: RWBY Wars Vol. 6 - Return of the Big Damn Heroes
1. Ep 4 - A New Dolt

**RWBY Wars - Volume 4: A New Dolt  
**

A figure cloaked in dusty red trudged through the unrelenting twin suns of Tatooine. She sighed. "I hate sand," she lamented.

"Indeed, Master Ruby! Sand is incredibly hazardous to my circuits and servos!" agreed the little astromech droid at her side.

Ruby rolled her eyes. Droids were such suckups nowadays. "Whatever. Just get in the garage and wait for me to get back from Tosh Station."

"But Master Ruby! You're supposed to run diagnostics on me immediately!"

Ruby sighed loudly. Not even her very own droid would give her a break. "Fine, fine," she relented as the pair finally got out of the hot desert. "Stay put and let me grab my tools."

"Affirmative Master Ruby!"

P3-NY was Ruby's birthday present, literally purchased a scant few minutes ago at the jawas' latest garage sale. Although the droid seemed quite perky and helpful, Ruby knew that the only droids with such upbeat attitudes were either flawed beyond comprehension or assassin droids in disguise. With Ruby's luck, Penny was probably both.

The redhead grabbed a hyperspanner off a shelf. "Now then. Let's see what makes you tick."

"Ah! Master Ruby! I don't think that's meant to be used as a hammer! Ah!"

"Huh? What's this?"

Ruby jumped back as Penny emitted a blue hologram of a wonderful woman in white. " _Help me Qrow! You're my only hope!_ " she pleaded, before the hologram blinked out.

"…What the heck was that?!" asked Ruby, flabbergasted.

"Um… Part of my mission directive," admitted Penny sheepishly.

"You need to find this guy and get his help?"

"Indeed! And I would be most appreciative if you could offer any assistance!"

Ruby sighed. "Well, I suppose it's better than sitting around in the sun. Still, I wonder who she was talking about…"

Ruby mulled it over for a few seconds. "Ah! I think I have a lead!"

"Really Master Ruby?"

"Yep!" she replied, starting up the landspeeder. "I may not know where to find this Qrow guy, but I bet Crow does!"

* * *

"Visitors. Wonderful," deadpanned the crotchety old man as Ruby and Penny pulled up in a landspeeder.

"Hey! Crow! Can you help me with something?" called Ruby. She waved over to him with one hand as the other effortlessly headshotted a Tusken Raider.

Crow sighed. "I'm too sober for this shit…"

* * *

Ruby found herself mesmerized by the sheer beauty of the woman in white, whose identity she had learned to be Princess Weiss of the planet Atlas. She looked on in awe as the message began ending.

" _Help me Qrow! You're my only hope!_ " With her final plea, the princess's blue silhouette faded away.

Then: " _Great… My only hope is a washed up, cantankerous, old drunkard who never bothered to call my sister …What do you mean it's still recording?_ "

"Hmph," grunted Crow, now revealed to actually be Qrow, "Joke's on you, princess. I've been sober for three whole days. Not by choice mind you, stupid rising cost of alcohol."

"So what does this all mean?" asked Ruby.

Qrow sighed. "It means we're goin' on an adventure."

"Hooray!"

"Oh, and your family's probably dead too."

"WHAT?!"

* * *

"Excuse me," said an Imperial Stormtrooper at a checkpoint. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to check your droid for a bit."

Qrow held up a hand. "This is not the droid you're looking for," he said mysteriously, waving his fingers.

"This is not the droid I'm looking for," repeated the Stormtrooper.

"Also give me all your money."

"Stormtroopers don't carry money."

"Seriously?! Piss off!"

"Pissing off," affirmed the Stormtrooper. He groaned in relief. "Pissing off complete."

* * *

"Mos Eisley spaceport," said Qrow as the trio walked into the cantina. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and-"

"Outta the way!" shouted a buxom blonde as she careened into them.

The four fell into a pile as a group of alien bounty hunters caught up. "So you brought reinforcements?" sneered one of the aliens, waving his rifle around menacingly.

Yang looked at the old geezer, the farm kid, and the droid. "Yep!" she lied. She fired off another shot at her pursuers, headshotting him effortlessly. "Right, now that I've gotten you three involved in my own personal business, let's get outta here!"

"But my exposition!" lamented Qrow, "My quote!"

* * *

"Wait a sec," said Ruby as she ran down the oppressive hallway of the Death Star. "How did we get here?"

"Oh you know," replied Yang, blasting another Stormtrooper, "Coincidence, lucky breaks, and heroic exploitation of opportunity to screw over evil; the stuff just about any movie script is made of."

"Yeah I get that," remarked Ruby as she deflected a hail of blaster bolts with her lightscythe, "But I mean, just how many scenes did we skip to get to this non sequitur?"

"Probably half an hour of movie time, give or take. Don't quote me on that though!"

"Can you idiots please just shut up and keep running?!" screeched Weiss as she rampaged elegantly through the sea of ivory-clad Imperials. Say what you will about her personality, Weiss was a master of murder, and she looked damn fine doing it.

* * *

"Listen Princess," said Yang, giving Weiss a hard stare. "The only thing I care about is the reward money for saving your pasty white butt. I'm not interested in your rebellion, I'm not interested in the Death Star, and I'm sure as hell not interested in you!"

Weiss returned the heated glare unflinchingly. "Fine," she spat, "If all you love is money, then that's all you're going to get."

Seconds passed as the frost-fire pair stared each other down, the heat between them growing rapidly. Then a wall of plasma emerged between their faces.

"Sorry about that," deadpanned Ruby as Weiss and Yang glared at her for making them flinch. "The sexual tension was so thick I thought I'd cut it with my lightscythe."

* * *

"Many Faunus died to bring us this information."

* * *

"Good luck Ruby," wished Weiss, gently holding the scythe wielder's hands.

"Thanks Weiss," smiled Ruby shyly. "It means a lot to me, knowing you came to talk to me personally out of all these pilots."

"Oh. Well. You know…" trailed Weiss, blushing.

"Master!" called Penny as she was loaded into the X-wing. "This hasn't been addressed yet, but Qrow died on the Death Star!"

"What?!" cried Ruby in surprise. "We didn't get to see that scene?! But I wanna know who plays Darth Vader!"

"We all do, Ruby," said Weiss sympathetically, "But this parody has been fucking itself in the mouth for quite some time now."

"True dat!" chirped Penny unhelpfully.

* * *

"Yahoo!" shouted Yang elatedly as the _Bumblebee_ rose from the trench victoriously. "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!" She grinned widely to her partner. "Nice shootin' Blake!"

"ROOOARRR" roared Chewblakea in triumph.

* * *

"Wait a minute. You've been with us since Tatooine all this time?" asked Ruby incredulously.

Blake roared in the affirmative.

"She says yes," translated Yang unnecessarily.

"We can read the subtitles," deadpanned Weiss.

"Whatever. Can we just skip to the award ceremony?" asked Yang boredly.

"Absolutely!" declared Weiss. "Ruby! For firing the incredible shot that destroyed the Death Star, for leading and facilitating my rescue from Imperial hands, and for wielding a massive scythe made of plasma and space magic, you get the Gold Cookie!"

"Yay!" cheered Ruby.

"Yang! For helping, you get the Silver Cookie!"

"You know, I don't think the original ceremony was quite so Olympian," remarked Yang. She bit into her award to see if it would fetch a good price at a pawn shop. It wouldn't.

"Blake! You get bronze because we didn't even know you were there most of the time."

Blake grunted in annoyance but accepted the Bronze Cookie.

"And with that, the movie's over! Buh-bye, and thanks for all the fish!"

 **AN: If you're reading this, congratulations on making it this far! And seriously, thanks for the fish. You know who you are. :P**


	2. Ep 5 - The Empire Has Reserves

**RWBY Wars - Volume 5: The Empire Has Reserves**

Weiss sat uneasily in the empty briefing room of the Rebel base on Hoth, Yang and Blake beside her. She was fidgety, as she was wont to do when Ruby was out of her sight for more than five minutes, a nervous tick she'd picked up after that one time on Callidor. Weiss had never looked at tomatoes or roombas the same way since.

"Alright, it's been too long. I'm gonna go find Ruby," declared Yang, standing.

"Are you sure?" asked Weiss, "It's only been two hours, twenty-three minutes and fifteen seconds since she was supposed to check in."

"Well shit, I have to do something, and you won't let me do Blake after that one time…"

Blake grunted in agreement with the blonde.

Weiss sighed in exasperation. "Just go."

"Cool. I'm going to mount up and take Zwei."

"You're going to rescue Ruby with Zwei?!" cried Weiss in horror. She sighed in resignation. "It's official: everyone is going to hate us."

"Huh? Why do you say that?" asked Yang, completely oblivious to the scene in question. Blake, who was completely knowledgeable about the canon fate of the animal, cackled maniacally.

"Oh no reason…" sighed Weiss.

* * *

"Weiss!" sang Ruby as she ran into her princess's arms, "We're back!"

"So I see!" remarked Weiss in satisfaction. "And you don't smell like the innards of a dead animal. That's always a pleasant surprise."

Ruby frowned. "One time," she grumbled, "Just one time and I'll never live it down…"

In the background, Blake growled at Zwei as he licked her.

"Hey, we got some Imperial ships on scanners," reported a rebel. "Should we GTFO?"

"Yeah," decided Weiss, "Let's GTFO."

* * *

Meanwhile, aboard the Imperial starships…

"These Rebel scum have been plaguing our glorious empire for far too long!" growled an ominous figure decked out in all black. You know the one. "It is time we show them the true power of the dark side, by sending the best soldiers we have."

"The Stormtroopers?" asked redshirt officer 272.

"No. I don't mean just the best, I mean the best of the best."

"Le gasp!" gasped 272. "You don't mean?!"

"I do! Unleash the White Fang!"

* * *

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but can we target anything other than the head?" asked Ruby, headshotting another White Fang with the blaster built into the stock of her lightscythe.

"Sure we can!" enthused Yang, nutshotting two more White Fang and ovaryshotting a third. They died more from the irony than anything else.

Blake roared something as her next shot downed an AT-AT.

"What was that?" called Ruby as she threw her scythe like a boomerang, eviscerating a dozen White Fang, "I was a little too busy to read that subtitle!"

"She said something about neutering them!"

* * *

"How goes the White Fang's progress? Are they exceeding the Stormtrooper legions?"

Disposable officer 272 coughed. "In some ways, yes, absolutely."

"Excellent! Please elaborate."

"With all due respect ma'am, these so called elite are dying faster than regular Stormtroopers ever have. Some of them are dying before they even leave the ship! And their aim is worse too." 272 pulled up a camera feed showing a White Fang shooting a rebel at point blank range. Not only did he miss, but he also somehow managed to shoot his own crotch. "They really should have been field tested."

"This is their field testing."

"Ah. They still suck."

"Perhaps. Are their masks instilling fear into the hearts of the rebels?"

"Well yeah, for like a second or two-"

"Then I think we can call this a successful field test."

"Ma'am, I really don't think-"

"You're not paid to think, now shut up before I choke you to death."

Nameless officer 272 whimpered.

* * *

"Would someone please care to explain why we're stuck in an asteroid field and where the hell Ruby is?!" shrieked Weiss from the gunner s position on the _Bumblebee_ as she loosed laser bolts into the hulls of two TIE fighters.

"We're stuck here because I'm not as great a pilot as I like to think I am!" called Yang, "And Ruby said something about following directions given to her in a fever dream!"

"She left without even saying goodbye?!" screeched Weiss, her voice an octave higher and more shrill than anything Yang had heard to date. "How dare she!" Then she proceeded to go on a rant.

Yang flipped a switch on her headphones and everything faded to blessed silence. She smiled in relief. It was good to know that noise cancelling headphones worked wonders in the future.

* * *

"Come on _Bumblebee_!" shouted Yang as they fled from the space worm, now pursuing them as they sped through the asteroid field. Its jaws were gaping, ready to devour them whole.

Just then, another creature came out of nowhere and grabbed the space worm in its mouth, pulling it aside and letting the protagonists go free.

"There's always a bigger space worm," muttered Weiss in stupefaction that the old Atlas adage had actually applied to real life.

* * *

"I don't get to find out who plays Yoda?!" shouted Ruby incredulously.

"Nope!" chirped Penny cheerfully as Ruby's X-Wing raced towards Bespin.

Ruby grumbled about the unfairness of this parody. "Well fine," she sighed, "It probably would have been Goodwitch anyways…"

* * *

"You racist motherfuckers!" shouted Emerald as the _Bumblebee_ came into view of Cloud City. Obviously, she did not appreciate being type casted as the original trilogy's token black guy.

* * *

Weiss sniffed as Yang was about to be frozen in carbonite. She looked at the blonde, her eyes wet and quivering. If this was to be their last conversation, she wanted it to mean something. "I love Ruby," she said.

Yang smiled. "I know."

"By the way," added Weiss, "Since I didn't say it earlier, you're a stuck-up, half-witted, scuffy-looking nerf-herder."

* * *

Ruby watched helplessly as her lightscythe was sent plummeting into the abyss, and a blood red blade came down from above.

"You cut off Yang's arm!" shouted Ruby in outraged confusion.

"Yes," replied Darth Maiden, "Yes I did. In fact, you might say she's been _disarmed_!" Darth Maiden laughed at her pun obnoxiously as some stage hands took Yang back to wherever she was supposed to be.

"Why?!" demanded Ruby.

Darth Maiden shrugged. "Canon continuity." She cleared her throat. "Now Ruby… Join me, and we can rule the galaxy together!"

"I will never turn to the dark side!"

"It is your destiny!" boomed Darth Maiden unnecessarily loudly. "I will not take no for answer!"

"NO!"

"Oh. Well, okay," accepted Darth Maiden, turning to leave, "If that's really how you feel – Hey wait a second!"

But Ruby had already jumped off, plummeting to the depths below.

As she fell, Ruby loosed a single tear. "Why couldn't this movie have a happy ending?!" she lamented.

"Because," said Weiss, catching Ruby effortlessly as the _Bumblebee_ flew by, "We'd only get paid for two movies instead of three."

Ruby nodded in acceptance of that as Weiss brought her inside, still held in bridal carry. "Wait, so who's under Darth Maiden's mask then?"

"Eh, probably Cinder."

"Oh. Yeah, probably."

* * *

"So what happens now?" asked Ruby as she stared out over the Rebel fleet, still majestic and miraculously pristine even after their desperate escape from Hoth.

"Now," said Weiss dramatically, "We take the fight to the Empire."

Just then, Penny smashed down the door and zoomed into the room. "TOTALLY PARTAAAAAY!" she cried, spraying alcohol everywhere.

"PENNY!" shrieked Weiss, "What the hell?!"

Penny frowned as she stemmed the tide of cheap booze. "I've gotten fewer lines than an Imperial redshirt! I demand my screen time!"

"She does have a point," piped Ruby.

"Look," growled Weiss, "This is the end of this movie. Can we please try to end this on a dramatic note that leaves people wanting to come back for the next movie?"

"How?" wondered Ruby. "The last movie had an award ceremony to make fun of. This one just has a cliffhanger. I mean, we didn't actually accomplish a damn thing this time around."

"Indeed!" agreed Penny. "Even the prequel movies met some fundamental objective before concluding."

"I didn't even get my arm cut off!" added Ruby.

"Alright yes," conceded Weiss, "This ending is probably the least satisfying out of all the movie endings. But we can salvage this!"

"Good luck with that," snorted Ruby.

"Look just hear me out," said Weiss. "Okay Ruby, if you stand there… And Penny moves here… And I go here…"

"Are you attempting to arrange us in a strange sexual position?" asked Penny innocently.

"Excuse me?! You know what, screw this. Penny's processor is _clearly_ in the gutter. Ruby! You take this!" commanded Weiss before walking off.

"What?! Weiss! Don't leave me hanging!" cried Ruby, running after her.

And then it was just Penny.

"Hey," wondered the astromech droid, "If Ruby has Weiss, and Yang has Blake, who's my love interest?"

Huh. It turns out robots can love. And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you so much for reading and good night!

[END]

 **AN: If anyone's wondering where the White Fang thing came from, that was just my friend telling me that all they did in Volume 3 was die. And who am I to stray from canon? :P**


	3. Ep 6 - Return of the Big Damn Heroes

**RWBY Wars - Volume 6: Return of the Big Damn Heroes  
**

The twin suns beat down heavily on the Tatooine sands, the only shade in sight cast by the mighty palace of the ignoble and disgusting Junior the Hutt. Said palace was also the destination for the heroes, given that Yang was within, frozen in carbonite and being used as a trophy and mantelpiece. Unsurprisingly, she still looked damn fine, even with only one arm.

In the main hall, where Junior lounged on his fat slug behind for the better part of his life, negotiations were ongoing as the heroes tried to get him to free Yang peacefully.

"I'm not wearing that," snapped Weiss, glaring balefully at the straps of cloth in Junior's grubby massive hands.

"You don't have a choice," responded Junior as his Malachite Guard trained their weapons on the rebels.

Weiss struck an inspiring pose. "There's always a choice! The answer is NO!"

"Now hold on a second," interjected Ruby, eyes glued to the galaxy's smallest bikini. "Weiss, m-maybe you should wear it. Y-You know, just to see how well you pull it off," she stuttered, as certain parts of her became excited.

"Ruby you dolt!" snapped Weiss, slapping the girl upside the head. "No!"

"Wear it or die," threatened Junior.

Weiss scoffed. "We're the heroes, you can't touch us!"

"Wanna bet? Fire!"

A hail of blaster fire erupted from the Malachite Guard, each bolt miraculously deflecting as they neared either of the two heroines. The collateral damage was hilariously massive.

"Huh," remarked Junior, "I guess we can't."

"Penny!" called out Weiss, "Please dispose of this trash."

Penny burst through the wall in a way that would make the Cool-Aid man proud, proceeding to spray a glorious inferno all around her from the same nozzles she used in the last movie to douse the heroes in alcohol.

"I AM COMBAT READY!" she shrieked as scoundrels and thugs were incinerated by the dozen. "BITCHES!" she added belatedly with the intent of punctuating for emphasis.

* * *

"Yang!" cried Ruby after the blonde was defrosted via the galaxy's largest microwave. "How do you feel?"

Yang groaned. "I was frozen in carbonite and my arm was cut off! How do you think I feel?"

"Umm…"

"I feel really refreshed!" she declared as Blake shoved a replacement arm on her. "Thanks Blake!" Blake roared to say she was welcome. "And hey, at least it wasn't my hair!"

"You have the strangest, most illogical priorities of anyone I have ever had the misfortune to meet," deadpanned Weiss. She noticed Ruby bent over Junior's corpse. "Ruby!" she called, much to the girl's surprise, "What are you doing over there?"

"Nothing!" shot back Ruby, trying desperately to hide the bikini behind her back. She'd heard what Weiss had said about it earlier, but she could still hope.

"Are you trying to do something that will push your luck?"

"…Probably," admitted Ruby with a blush.

* * *

"Hey Emerald!" called Yang, "Who have you got there?"

Emerald turned to the four approaching movie stars and readied herself to introduce the three handcuffed women next to her. "Yang. Nice to see you unfrozen. These three are the only survivors of Penny's little rampage." She grinned viciously. "I'm keeping them."

Weiss raised an eyebrow. "And they are…?"

"These two," began Emerald, "Are Miltia and Melanie, the Malachite Guard that you fought – well, humiliated is a better word – earlier. They're cute." Weiss and Blake stared deadpan at the two, now dressed up in school girl outfits to suit Emerald's fetishes.

"And this," said Emerald, indicating the helmeted little devil beside her, "Is the famed Mandalorian bounty hunter Neo. She may or may not have been the one to get you frozen in carbonite. We don't really know, 'cause that scene was incredibly vague. She's also cute, and undeniably sexy."

Neo winked at Emerald through her helmet.

Yang hummed as she looked them over. "So what you're trying to say is that you want to be a pimp?"

Emerald's jaw dropped indignantly at the blatant accusation. "You racist motherfucker!"

* * *

"Headshots on hovercycles!" shouted Yang as she sped through the underbrush of Endor, a powerful machine vibrating continuously between her legs. Blake roared in agreement behind her, one arm cutting down Imperial Stormtroopers with a blaster while the other was wrapped around Yang's chest.

Behind them, Weiss grumbled to herself in annoyance atop her own speeder bike. "Stupid Ruby running off because of another fever dream..." she muttered. "We're supposed to be partners, damn it!"

Behind her was Penny, rolling along as she sprayed napalm all across the surface of Endor, heedless of the massive trail of smoke and ash left in her wake. Ironically, she was singing a space opera rendition of 'We Didn't Start the Fire'.

* * *

"Carebears," growled Weiss as she was carried along, bound and helpless, "We were captured by _fucking_ **_carebears_**."

"Yeah well, I've only got one arm," remarked Yang from further along. "What's your excuse?"

"Well what's Blake's excuse?!"

Blake roared behind her in response, but quietly accepted Weiss's words. She should have eaten the carebears when she had the chance.

* * *

Ruby blinked as she was brought before the Empress. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I am Empress Salem," cackled the evil old lady atop the unimpressive throne. She coughed. "But beyond that, I don't know much myself. Just that I'm really evil and really ugly."

* * *

Emerald watched from aboard the Bumblebee as the Death Star Mk II unleashed a torrent of hellfire, completely obliterating one of the Rebel's capital ships.

"That blast came from the Death Star! That thing's operational!" she cried.

The radio flared to life as the voice of Rebel Admiral Ika Musume filtered through. " _All craft prepare to retreat_!"

Emerald snatched up the radio. "We won't get another chance at this, Admiral!"

" _We have no choice, General… um… Yang's friend! Our cruisers can't repel firepower of that magnitude_."

"Yang will get the shield down," retorted Emerald, "We've got to give her more time!"

 _"I have to admit, I'm honestly amazed you survived this long. I thought you'd be the first to die, since... um..."_

Emerald was appalled by someone trying to use tropes to define her. "You racist motherfucker!"

 **Meanwhile...**

"WOO!" whooped Yang in celebration as she swung around the Endor forest vine to vine, the carebear village burning in the background. "We did it! We killed the carebears!" Nearby, Blake ate a carebear without remorse.

"Ahem," interrupted Weiss with a severe frown, "In case you'd forgotten, we're here to fight the _EMPIRE! Not a bunch of freaking carebears_!" she shrieked.

Yang's elation slowly died. "Ah, fuck…"

* * *

"You have a sister you know," hissed Darth Maiden as she stalked Ruby in the conveniently darkened structure beneath the Empress's glorified chair.

"I do?!" exclaimed Ruby in shock.

"Yes… She's been by your side this whole time, and if you won't join me then maybe she will!"

"You don't mean?!"

"I do!"

Ruby paused to take that in. Eventually she shrugged. "Sister or no sister, I'd still tap Weiss's collar-boner any day of the week."

"Wait what?" sputtered Darth Maiden, genuinely flabbergasted, "The princess?!"

"Yeah. You meant her, right?"

"No. I meant Yang. Yang is your sister."

"Oh." Ruby paused to think about that. "That doesn't really change anything."

"It doesn't?"

"Not really," said Ruby, maneuvering to a similar conveniently placed catwalk overlooking a precarious abyss that was scarily easy to fall in to. "I already looked up to her like a big sis and she sees me as a little sis. This just kinda makes it official."

"But what about the whole 'joining me in the dark side' thing I said?!" demanded Darth Maiden as she followed.

"Are you kidding?" laughed Ruby, "You're going to have to try a lot harder than that to breakup Team RWBY!"

Darth Maiden blinked. "Huh. That inflicted significantly less mental trauma than I had hoped."

Ruby shrugged. "Yeah, well, life's full of little disappointments like that."

Then Ruby effortlessly cut off Darth Maiden's arm.

* * *

The _Bumblebee_ shook as a TIE Fighter got a lucky shot in, the occupants within lurching in perfect synchronicity. "We've gotten the green to engage the Death Star!" shouted Emerald at the pilot's seat, "Are we good to go?"

The reply from the co-pilot's seat was as helpful as it was audible. That is to say, it was neither.

"Damn it Neo! Can't you communicate in any way that's _not winking_?!"

Neo frowned, before grabbing Emerald by the head and kissing her forcefully. After a brief yet gratuitous makeout scene not quite spicy enough to warrant an M rating, the two extricated themselves from their safety restraints and fell to the floor, the Malachite twins hopping in to take their positions. The replacements exchanged a sisterly glance and sighed.

"Oh yeah!" came Emerald's voice from below, "By the time this movie's over, I'm going to be drowning in pussy!"

Melanie snorted. "Is that because you can't swim?"

"You racist sisterfucker!"

* * *

Darth Maiden roared as she singlehandedly threw her former boss into the abyss. Pun totes intended BTW.

"Death to the False Empress!" she roared.

Behind her, Ruby blinked. "Well, that just happened. Can I finally see your face now?"

"Sure thing!" chirped Darth Maiden, "Just let me-" The force of the Death Star's main reactor exploding conveniently hurled Darth Maiden into the abyss to her death.

"God damn it!" screamed Ruby with a stomp. She sighed a long, drawn out sigh. "Fuck this shit, I'm out."

* * *

Cheer and laughter filled the smoky air of Endor as Rebels partied in celebration of their smashing victory, feasting on bear meat all the while. Ruby was far from the party, sitting on the branch of one of the few trees to survive Penny's napalm bombardment, staring at the stars in contemplation.

"Hey," said Weiss, pulling herself up next to the hero.

"Hey yourself," replied Ruby with a smile.

They sat and stared at each other for a while, gazing deeply into each other's eyes. Weiss smiled softly, before taking Ruby's hand in hers. "Ruby," she murmured softly, "I love you."

"I love you too, Weiss," replied Ruby, equally as gently.

As one, the couple leaned in, sharing a sweet kiss in the night. When they pulled back, Ruby noticed some familiar glows behind Weiss's shoulder. They turned to look at the silhouettes together, pleased to see the astral forms of Qrow, Cinder, and Glynda.

Ruby and Weiss waved, and the three Force ghosts waved back. Weiss turned to Ruby. "I think we have their blessing," she said.

"Yeah," agreed Ruby. "Come on, let's go rejoin the party."

"Or," suggested Weiss sensually, "We could go back to my tent and I can wear that bikini you like so much."

And thus, Ruby carried Weiss away bridal style, her feet pounding furiously in anticipation of sexy time.

* * *

"So," drawled Ghost-Qrow as he watched the pair scamper away. "Either of you ladies single?"

He turned and saw Ghost-Glynda and Ghost-Cinder making out.

"Huh. Guess that's a no…"

[END]

 **AN: And with that, we come to the conclusion of this allegedly epic trilogy. Thank you all for reading! See you on the next one!**


End file.
